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Mr. Thal – We know you have a history of raising a slew of
kooky hijinks and delivering sharp, humorous
quips during your interviews, but this interview is no place for such
tomfoolery. So, get that mischievous grin off of your face and buckle up
for the most exhilarating (but serious) ride any Jew has ever
experienced.
What do you have against
cancer?
I have absolutely nothing against it.
In fact I think everybody should have it - the more the better. It's
easy to get, easy to grow and so many types. The Walcherin type,
bred by the Dutch is a genetic masterpiece. It can form in
temperatures down to 10 degrees - you can almost guarantee getting it no
matter what.
Of course, you realize I've been talking about
cauliflower, not cancer. I only talk about
cancer if it talks about me first. Canker, on the
other hand, can be a noun OR a verb - so let's talk about canker. A
canker is pestilence. To canker is to debauch - to
putrefy. Yet there is no such thing as a cank.
So starting now, there is. One who putrefies is a
cank. There's no noun for conk, so we
maybe we can also use conk. Conk can be a
verb - to defeat. So a defeatist could be a
conkist. And that should be able to move over to cank
so it could also be cankist.
Yo. I just did
some checking, and found out conk IS a noun. It means
head. I don't see much use for the word conk other than
replacing head. Note the following example using a
double-word - "Raymond, why must you be so ornery and
conkstrong?!" It can be plural - "Beatrice
always said, TWO conks are better than ONE!" Or singular
- "Hey Marty, do you think your mom would give me
conk?" Stuff like that. So let me conclude by
saying this: I have no quarrel with cancer.
Cancer can be a
positive thing if you say it with motivation: it doesn't have to be "I
have cancer," it can be "YES I CAN sir!" Say it
once and you'll feel like you can do anything AND show people respect at
the same time! Say NO to cancer - say YES to
CAN sir!! The next time a relative is diagnosed with
an inoperable tumor, tell them our little secret to happiness - "Don't
be sad Marty, 2 months to live can be the greatest 2 months ever!
You can do it all AND show people that you view them with dignity!
You don't have cancer, you have CAN sir!!" Finish
with a big thumbs up and a smile. Then RUN.
That was fucked
up. I apologize to everyone reading this. I couldn't stop
myself from typing it. I won't do it again.
Do the ends
justify the means?
CANCER!
Whatup, chum? Any news on new music you’re working on?
Hows about the Vigier
signature model? Or the beloved instructional
CD?
Haven't been doing my own stuff - just
producing lots of bands. Some cool stuff - working on Q*Ball's next
CD (http://www.qballmusic.com), some Latin pop stuff with
Troy Kurtis (http://www.troykurtis.com/) - he's now an actor on that
soap opera "Guiding Light," rock band Still Life (http://www.stilllifeband.com/), all-girl hardcore band
The Wage Of Sin (http://www.thewageofsin.com/), Most Precious Blood (http://www.mostpreciousblood.com/), Strabismus (http://www.strabismusick.com/) - they just got a record
deal with Universal UK, December Aeternalis (http://www.deathofanangel.cjb.net/), Nothing Left To
Mourn (http://www.nothinglefttomourn.com/), All For Nothing (http://www.afnmusic.com/)...
Vigier
has been very busy with new guitar models, including a "memory guitar"
that saves your volume/tone/pickup-selection settings and can recall them
with a MIDI foot-controller. Cool, eh? Hopefully when they
have all that good stuff out of the way, we can start on my
thang... the instructional video stuff will begin as soon as I
finish the construction on the studio - new floor, soundproof
window-cover, etc. There's always something that has to take
priority unfortunately.
What are your thoughts on male
lactation?
Ya know, it's interesting that you'd ask me
about that. A little something I've learned, but rarely get to
share, is that if you squeeze any part of your body hard enough,
something will come out of it. Try it - take a small square
of skin, 2 inches below your right nipple and 2 inches toward the center -
and SQUEEZE. You may experience white powdery discharge from your
pores and follicles, followed by reddish blotches. Some might call
this "soft tissue damage." I call it fun. I also found
out that if you present it as "nurturing sustenance" to people on
the street, the police will call it "public
disturbance."
Is there anything more exciting in the world
than doing interviews?
Uhhhhhh, not doing
them...? No? OK - NO, NOTHING is more exciting in
the world than doing interviews! If ya think about it, an interview
is like a rude conversation with someone ya haven't seen in a long time,
where you're asking them how they've been, they tell you, but never ask
anything about you.
Seven men enter a Malaysian cathouse with,
collectively, 11 American dollars and 3 Canadian dollars. They leave with
the same amount they entered with. Where did the money go, and why do I
suspect Britain
is to
blame?
I'm sorry, I'm not very good at math. I just don't know.
Do you think the fretless guitar has influenced your
regular guitar playing?
Not really sure... it's
kinda like playing a different instrument in some ways - I think a
different way when I play it.
What do you think the
future will hold for interpretive dancers?
I see the
inclusion of more outside objects - funnels, twine, plastic squares, maybe
even funnels. I don't see myself as qualified to speculate - I'm
just a benchwarmer on the sidelines, while interpretive dancers play the
game - of life. But if I must speculate, I see the inclusion
of more outside objects - funnels, twine, plastic squares, maybe even
funnels.
You clearly have your own style as a guitarist and a
musician. If you could go back in time, why wouldn’t you opt to become an
Yngwie clone instead?
You
clearly have your own style as a guitarist and a musician. If you could go
back in time, why wouldn’t you opt to become an Yngwie clone instead? hehe, I just
cloned your question.....
Why such an
affinity for soy-based foods?
People overlook the endless capabilities of grains and legumes.
In three words or less, what is wrong with the music
industry?
Exaggerated file-swapping penalties.
(Does that count as 3 words or 4?) Suing children - there,
that's 3-words-or-less...
What
are your three favorite CDs of all time?
There is only one CD that deserves mention,
dare I speak its name. "Transformed Man" by William Shatner.
WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU GO ON CONAN
O’BRIEN OR A SIMILAR SHOW IN ORDER TO SPREAD THE WORD AND GET SOME MORE
PUBLICITY?! WOULDN’T YOU AGREE THAT IF YOU WANTED TO DO A
US
TOUR,
A MOVE LIKE THIS IS ABSOLUTELY PIVOTAL?! AHHHHHHHH! (I had to annoy you
with this again :)
)
No. I'd rather produce bands and see them go on Conan
O'Brien. I'm too shy.
How do you think your life would be
different if you never became a musician?
I don't know
what I'd be doing - maybe a painter or photographer.
What’s your
favorite South
Park
episode?
Love 'em all equally. Can't decide, so I'll go with the
movie.
Why do you love
music?
It expels the
demons.
Why do you love your wife?
She's my
buddy. Too many other reasons to list.....
Why do you love
mocking Mariah Carey’s pristine and soulful voice?
My
grandfather's 93. We got him a hearing aid. Most of the time
he keeps it turned all the way down so he doesn't have to hear us.
When my mom realizes it, she yells at him to turn it up. When he
turns it up to high, it gets high-pitched feedback and my mom yells at him
to turn it down. So I practiced imitating the feedback sound with my
voice so I could make trouble at family functions. I'll stand near
my grandfather and make the high squealing noise with my throat and my
mother will start yelling at him to turn down his hearing aid. After
a few times of that I'll fake a big sneeze, very realistic-sounding.
My mom would respond with a hardy GOD-BLESS-YOU!! My wife and
brother would be the only ones that could tell it was a fake sneeze and
would respectfully try not to laugh. Anyway, back to the whole
squealing-noise hearing-aid thing, it sounds a bit like Mariah Carey's
high notes.
How long did it take you to find your own voice on
the instrument?
It coincides with knowing yourself and
letting yourself be who you are. As you start allowing that, your
voice starts showing itself. As you keep growing and changing, your
musical voice does too. It's not something you find, it's something
you have - ya just gotta free yourself from
yourself.
And now for a series of
questions from that filthy Brit we oh-so-lovingly call
Simon:
You play with a thimble to extend the range of the
fretboard, Vai plays
with his tongue. If Prince
Albert had invented
the electric guitar, what do you think he would have played
with?
Played with, or played the guitar with?
Please specify so I could answer properly.
You have your own
label, studio and a massive French following -
does life get any better?
Yeah - get rid of the last part.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Just kidding.
(Oh great, now I'm
gonna have 342,000 people named Julien writing me nasty
emails...)
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'M KIDDING I'M KIDDING I'M
KIDDING I'M KIDDING!!! REALLY ! !
Tell me your creative process, I promise not to
tell.
A song will enter my conk - if it won't leave
on its own, I record it.
You mention that a song sometimes
doesn't fit a specific musical direction, hence The Forgotten Anthology
album. What qualifies a musical direction, and where can I get
one?
I don't know, I don't have one - hahaha... I
guess that is my direction, musical anarchy. Well,
think of it this way. If you put on a Slayer album, and half-way
through there was a 70's disco song about dancin' all night long...
one might say the disco song doesn't fit the musical direction of
the album.
Does Bumblefoot allow
Ron Thal to be
free?
Very much so yes quite.
Am I right in thinking the band Bumblefoot is actually you, and a few different
hats?
Yes. It wasn't
planned, I was always the only one giving full commitment. I guess
it was meant to be, or it wouldn't be...
How do you stay
objective when you write, perform and produce all your
music?
Ya just gotta see things the way they are and be
very realistic and honest with yourself. Don't bullshit yourself,
don't give yourself excuses, don't settle if you know you can do
better..
My parents bought me the Deliverance DVD for my
birthday. I have now destroyed all my Damn Yankees records. If you worked
for the USA tourist board, how would you
convince me to holiday in rural America ?
One
word...
PARTY.
What do you think of the following statement? If 'The Osbournes' weren't from Great
Britain, our
country be called Amazing
Britain?
Ouch... I don't know them personally and
don't know how well we can really know them from the TV show... I
think Ozzy's musical accomplishments deserve much praise. It could
be a lot worse...
http://www.osmond.com/
And
to finish it up, a general query of mine –
Any pearls
of wisdom you would like to leave our gleeful and currently non-existent
audience with?
No.
Once again, it’s so goddamn
cool of you to help us out. Thank you veddy
much!
-Ol’ Deucey
My
pleasure!
BfoOt
10 SEPT
2003
Copyright Ron Thal / The
Essential Guitar Team
2003 |
